96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
