hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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