you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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