I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
