im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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