My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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