I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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