Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
