those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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