Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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