i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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