My sheets look like a crime scene.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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