If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
