Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
