Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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