If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
