Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
