OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
