nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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