she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
