I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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