Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
