He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
