so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
