He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Randomize
