I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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