watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he was CRYING into my vagina
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
