Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
