you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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