In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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