your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
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