In America we eat man semen.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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