Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
