I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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