It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
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