Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
