The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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