i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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