i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Found the puke drawer
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
