Don't make out with my wife yet
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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