just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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