can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
