Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
