Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
