I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
