I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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