i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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