Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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