It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
