I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
