bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
