Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
